The Thing That Began All This: You Vile Creature

I’ve recently read so many relationship stories of women faced with a lot of the problems I’ve had in the past. Reading their stories has made me brave enough to share mine.
Here goes…
I fell in love at a young age, and when I say love I mean it. This person was my whole world. He occupied 98% of my brain. The near proximity of him would send my body into frenzy. A gesture as simple as his hand on my thigh made my insides writhe the way Anastasia Steel’s did at Christian Grey’s touch. I thought I found what I was searching for all my life, naively believing that the search had finally ended.
Although he made me come alive for the first time in my life and slowly helped me to break out of my shy shell. He was still very much rough around the edges, but it was a roughness I tasked myself to smooth out. So what if he’s not romantic, I thought. In the beginning he really did try a memory of him bringing me balloons and a teddy bear in the middle of a snow storm for my birthday flashes to mind.
So when he messed up and began breaking my fragile heart, I thought back to moments like that to remind myself of the potential he had to be the best man I’d come to know. Even though I wanted him to be the right guy and I continued to unearth his potential, the fact that we were complete opposites was too evident.
He was emotional at times and I’m always stoic. Saying I love you for the first time was the most horrifying and courageous thing I’d done. Yes and the most important difference, he was enough for me but I wasn’t for him. One day he decided to end the picture perfect world I’d created in my head. I found out how he really felt and all of my suspicions were confirmed. There really was no such thing as making it work with the wrong guy.
Of course being wrong isn’t something I’d like to admit, in fact being wrong didn’t seem like a part of my personality until that day. I spiraled into darkness of course. I hated myself for loving someone that turned out to be so vile. I wanted to hate him for hurting me and stripping away the last piece of innocence I had left. I was lost and I felt like I was falling into an endless pit with nothing to grab a hold of.
Fast forward a bit…
We are still in each other’s lives in some ways. I have accepted who he is and now I know who I am but that still doesn’t erase the genuine love that lives inside me. I have spent more than half my adulthood nurturing it and in an instant I had to figure out how to assassinate it. The journey hasn’t been easy and sometimes I still get confused, but I do know that it is over between us.
Although sometimes we dance around each other and pretend things could ever be the same. The simple truth is we are no longer the same people. I had to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart alone. I had to live with the transition of him being the most important person in my life to being able to cope with the absence of him in my life.
I have found strength and love in God and I spent the time since our break-up growing and maturing into a single woman. From my perspective he hasn’t changed much. He still lets his emotions dictate his actions.
Now when I look at him I ask myself what I ever saw in him. If he touches me I feel repulsed because I know I deserve better. I’m actually very happy if I don’t hear from him for long periods of time.
I’d like to share what I’ve learned. You must put God first in all things in order to ensure its success. You must love yourself above anyone else because others will leave your life at some point and you’re stuck with yourself. Forgiveness is a vital aspect in growing and healing. Lastly, always remember LOVE because there is already plenty of hate in the world.


Maybe He’s Just Not That Into You?

Disclaimer: told in first person perspective. Catalina high jacked my blog.
I’d like to take you through the day leading up to the climax of my evening. I got dressed for work like any other day. I put on my dress and realized right away that I was going to definitely get noticed today. I ignored the nagging thoughts about my choice of wardrobe. Yes perhaps I may have gone too far this time. Oh well too late to change my mind.
I say a prayer and start my day at work anticipating what I had planned for later in the evening. I told myself this would be the day that Jason knows that I exist. Waiting definitely isn’t my strong suit. I take the slow scenic route to church after work and still ended up there early.
All day the prospect has been in the farthest region of my mind and I didn’t dare coax it out of hiding because I knew the frenzy that would follow. I remained calm and assertive. Something about today made the worry cease for a while anyway.
Then we begin to enter the church and with each step my heart begins to speed up. I must admit the adrenaline excited me and made me feel alive. I was looking forward to something for the first time in a long time. I took a deep breath as me and Amy found our seats near the instrumental pit like we’ve done on so many occasions.
Now that our seats were secure, I began to visually search for Jason. I saw a glimpse of him enter the back and then he takes a moment too long to reemerge. With my impatience building I decide to seek him out. I decided to walk pass the doors to see if he is standing there. I walked past but the doors are locked.
I exhaled as I felt my frustration begin its attack on me. “I guess this will be another missed opportunity,” I think to myself as I turn around to walk back to my seat.
Then in a moment almost like a dream, Jason walked past me. Before I could get my bearings together he looked at me and said hello first. I answer back quickly, thankfully able to think fast on my feet.
He looks immersed in his thoughts as he continues to walk past me holding his guitar. I quickly caressed his hand demanding his attention in this moment. My touch accomplished this goal and I asked him to join me and Amy after church.
I know what response I wanted, but a part of me knew things wouldn’t conclude the way I’d like. Unfortunately, he has another engagement. I decided not to pry further. You’re probably wondering why I would do such a thing.
Here’s why:
1. I don’t want to become the woman that has to chase a man. I strongly believe everything should be on an equal level. (Interest, attraction and compromise).
2. He’s a mini celebrity. He has women falling all over him on a routine basis. I don’t want to be tossed in with those other women. I am not afraid to express my interest but I refuse to let it become desperation.
3. He seemed oblivious to just what I was asking. He was preoccupied with too many things to realize that I was asking him out or he just wasn’t interested. (Although Amy told he did check me out when I had my head turned). I didn’t expect his life to stop because I wanted some of his time.
4. I’m trying to exercise patience and letting Jesus take the wheel of the situation.

A part of me wanted to go in for the kill, and just have him backed into a corner until he had no choice but to concede to my demands, but that’s too aggressive. Am I wrong for wanting the man to be the aggressor for a change?
After all that I didn’t feel chagrin or melancholy. I felt triumphant. I finally spoke to the guy I’ve had a crush on for months now. I don’t know what my next step will be but I know I’ll be taking them in strides, knowing that there isn’t anything I can’t do.
Please share your opinion and advice in the comment box and thank you for reading about an auspicious event in my life.

Here’s a article on why a woman should ask a guy out:
Okay Carlene, you can have your blog back.

Single Ladies Scavenger Hunt

What if you’re searching in the right places, but someone else beats you to it?
Does everyone remember Amy? If not here’s a recap.
Amy is best friends with Catalina and she is also single and looking to mingle. She has also done what Catalina has, and that’s searching for a potential match in church.
Unlike Catalina, Amy has a unique obstacle standing in her way.
Amy met Ben around the same time that Catalina was interested in Jason. Unlike Jason, Ben is very social and approached Amy and Catalina instantly. After the services at church the trios always stop for a few minutes for a nice chat.
Here’s where it gets rocky. Amy is a bit shy and doesn’t know how to tell Ben that she interested in him. Catalina volunteers to be her wing man and open up the possibility of Amy getting Ben’s number.
These two ladies are all set to initiate what they planned until. (Wait! I need to get the exact exchange of words in quotes).
Ben: “Are you guys going on the retreat?”
Amy: “We’re working on it.”
Ben: “You guys should definitely try to make it.”
Catalina: “Yea, we’ll definitely make it if you’re paying.”
Yes you read that right. The charismatic and friendly Ben is engaged. Catalina quickly congratulated him and then she and Amy scampered off with their tails between their legs.

Amy tries looking for a potential match in the workplace. According to 57-62% of people admit to office romances during their 2015 survey. Here’s a link if you’re interested in reading more.
For Amy those look like some good odds. Amy started working for a new company a few months ago and met a co- worker named Adam. He is very tall and handsome with a great personality. Amy also finds out that he is a Christian. She uses this information to invite him to service so that she may work up the courage to ask him out, but unfortunately he never shows.
Adam is shrouded around mystery for a few days until Amy’s co-worker acts as her wing man and questions Adam about his interest in Amy. Her wing man returns with these words:
“He’s basically ENGAGED, but he said that if he wasn’t he would be interested.”
Talk about a sword through the heart twice.
How would you handle knowing that the person would want you just as much as you want them if only you had met them first? Don’t be shy guys and share your opinion on Amy’s misfortune.