Misery and Love

I feel this pain,
clawing and digging at my skin.
Everything I attempt to satiate it with,
only causes it to take hold of me more.

I think I’ll feel this pain,
until I feel your touch again.
Am I crazy for this?

I told you that I don’t care
if you choose to walk away.
But, every time you’re with me,
I’m begging you to stay.

I feel this pain,
burning and throbbing at my brain.
I down a bunch of pain killers,
but the ache only intensifies.

I must find a way,
to erase you from my memories.
I’d prefer madness to this.

I tell myself to ignore everything,
that I love about you.
But you beat at my heart,
until it let’s you in again.

Oh, why must you hurt me like this?

I feel this pain,
freezing and shattering my heart.
I touch your lips for some warmth,
but that’s only a temporary fix.

I must find a way to stop the pain,
but the distance only causes me to
hunger for you more.

I feel this pain,
gaining a stronger hold on me.
I attempt to shake it free,
but it only tightens the ropes around me.

Damn it! Damn it! Please just set me free.
I no longer want to be apart of this misery.

 

Hosanna: My Cornerstone

I was dead until you breathed new life into me.

Your love has become,

my nectar of immortality.

 

After drinking from your cup,

My eyes are open to all that I was

blind to.

 

I see now that you are the way.

The one true path,

that I shall choose to walk from.

 

My heart was slowly dying,

being ground into many fine pieces of dust.

I decided to take a handful,

and allow it to scatter in the air.

 

That is until you found me so low one day.

You gave me your hand and pulled me

from the ground.

 

I was so thankful to lean on you, so that I could walk.

You took the pieces of my heart into your hands,

and began making it whole again.

It was like watching sand become a rock.

 

How was it possible for me to be worthy

of such a miracle?

 

You smiled and handed it back to me,

said that I should keep it safe this time.

Silly me,

I thought you meant that I should keep

it locked  away from everyone.

 

In time, I’ve come to understand your wisdom.

You can love and still be strong.

 

Love wasn’t meant to make you weak.

Love wasn’t meant to make you feel sorrow.

Love wasn’t meant to take you from yourself.

Love wasn’t meant to make you gullible.

 

Instead,

It is the hope that keeps you from

falling into the darkness.

It brings peace inside your heart.

It teaches you compassion.

It makes you selfless.

It gives you purpose.

 

The day I took your hand was a blessing,

and I have been thankful ever since.

For you, I was waiting all my life.

 

You rescued me from all my lonely nights.

You removed the scars from my heart,

and showed me how to resurrect my love.

 

You banished the darkness,

creating the stars to guide  me whenever I lose me way.

I fall to your feet now,

because now I know that you are

my cornerstone and the reason for everything.

No Pressure

Come take a walk with me.

Darling, take my hand as we

walk along the beach.

 

Listen to the waves of the rolling sea.

They are unsettled like me.

With each foot print I think

I’m beginning to lose my nerve.

 

Look at the glimmering sun.

It’s beauty pales, when compared

to you.

 

Oh, how do I put this into words?

Would you be hurt if I was to go away?

Do you really want me to stay?

 

How could you say

“If you leave, then don’t come back.”

 

I think it’s beginning to rain.

I watch each droplet get lost in your hair.

Remind me again, what were we fighting about?

 

Your laughter is the most beautiful

sound I’ve ever heard.

Come dance in this down pour

with me.

 

I’ve missed days like this.

Yes, even with the fighting.

Shall we continue our walk?

 

I take my beloved by the hand

and we twirl around and around

once last time in the fading rain.

 

The wind comes alive

and usher’s us closer.

I now have no doubt in

what I should do.

 

I release my hold of your waist.

I take hold of your hand, as I

take a bended knee.

 

This may come as a surprise to you,

but I’ve actually planned everything that

happened today.

Oh, except the rain.

 

I pull my hands from my pocket

to expose what I’ve been hiding.

I have but one more question…

 

“Will You Marry Me?” I shout loudly.

I had to throw you off somehow

and by the look on your face, I must’ve.

 

Phoenix

I don’t see the point in trying anymore,
When it’s clear that you’ve given up and walked away
….long ago.

I don’t know why it took me so long to see it.
I guess, I couldn’t admit just how wrong I was.

I think back on….
All the times you made me
feel so damn small.

How could I have been such a fool,
to let my entire fortress fall,
all for a kiss.

I mean if it was love,
then it wouldn’t have gone away.

We all know real love doesn’t change.
It may grow brighter or dimmer ,
but the roots always remain the same.

Even now with all this wisdom,
my love hasn’t changed.
It has only grown….

Don’t get confused by my words,
I’m defintely over it.
There will be no more of you
raining on my parade.

I have embraced this life without you,
but sometimes being strong is
extremly hard.

I don’t want to lie and say…
I  feel nothing at all.

Sometimes it kills me
to look at you…
and know things will never be the same.

From this point on …
I’ll forever remember you as
the one who bruised my heart.

Now, I know the problem isn’t me.
I wasn’t the one that wanted this for us.
I’m just tired of holding it all back.

In conclusion….
I’ve mastered the art of letting go.

Another One Bites The Dust

“Sometimes giving up, doesn’t mean that you’ve lost.”

Many of you may have forgotten about Catalina and Jason. If so here’s a recap:

 
These two were first featured in my previous blog entitled ” Approaching A Potential Match In Church: Yikes!”

 
Catalina was struggling with whether she should ask Jason out or not. He is the worship leader at the church that she attends. I like to refer to him as a mini celebrity.

 
Since then she has asked him out and has continuously made ATTEMPTS to establish communication between them.

 
The Take Off Was A Bit Rocky…
The first interaction between the two seemed promising. She asked him out and established interest. Then sometime passed and she tried to talk to him again. Well those times didn’t go so well.

 
One of the times, he didn’t speak at all. There wasn’t any eye contact. Just a complete and utter failure.

 
The last encounter had humor, laughter and even a nice hug at the end, but she walked away with absolutely nothing. He didn’t remember her from the previous conversations. He forgot all about the fact that she asked him out. She was no closer to knowing if he liked her or not.

 

“There’s a possibility that it may not all be his fault.”

 

Here’s Why:
There has been extremely long stretches of time between each of their interactions. From what I’ve learned, men tend to be singular minded individuals. They tend to lack the ability to remember far off things, and can’t shift focus at a moments notice.

 
Jason talks to numerous people daily. Maybe Catalina got swept into that large crowd. There are always plenty of people vying for his attention while he is in the middle of speaking to someone.
All in all, the time and place just never seems to be ideal. Then again when  is life.

 

There’s Always A Lesson To Be Learned:
This has helped Catalina shift her perspective on things. It is extremely evident that this isn’t going anywhere, at least for right now. What’s the harm in taking a step back and letting Jason come to her for a change, if his interest in her is equal to her interest in him.

 
Some people spend their entire life chasing something that was never meant for them to have. At times, while you’re chasing the wrong thing you may miss the thing that’s right for you.

 
Catalina knows just how wonderful she is. It isn’t her job to convince someone of that, only to love them once they realize it.

 
You don’t have to agree with her take on the situation. The comment box is open for your opinion.

Maybe He’s Just Not That Into You?

Disclaimer: told in first person perspective. Catalina high jacked my blog.
I’d like to take you through the day leading up to the climax of my evening. I got dressed for work like any other day. I put on my dress and realized right away that I was going to definitely get noticed today. I ignored the nagging thoughts about my choice of wardrobe. Yes perhaps I may have gone too far this time. Oh well too late to change my mind.
I say a prayer and start my day at work anticipating what I had planned for later in the evening. I told myself this would be the day that Jason knows that I exist. Waiting definitely isn’t my strong suit. I take the slow scenic route to church after work and still ended up there early.
All day the prospect has been in the farthest region of my mind and I didn’t dare coax it out of hiding because I knew the frenzy that would follow. I remained calm and assertive. Something about today made the worry cease for a while anyway.
Then we begin to enter the church and with each step my heart begins to speed up. I must admit the adrenaline excited me and made me feel alive. I was looking forward to something for the first time in a long time. I took a deep breath as me and Amy found our seats near the instrumental pit like we’ve done on so many occasions.
Now that our seats were secure, I began to visually search for Jason. I saw a glimpse of him enter the back and then he takes a moment too long to reemerge. With my impatience building I decide to seek him out. I decided to walk pass the doors to see if he is standing there. I walked past but the doors are locked.
I exhaled as I felt my frustration begin its attack on me. “I guess this will be another missed opportunity,” I think to myself as I turn around to walk back to my seat.
Then in a moment almost like a dream, Jason walked past me. Before I could get my bearings together he looked at me and said hello first. I answer back quickly, thankfully able to think fast on my feet.
He looks immersed in his thoughts as he continues to walk past me holding his guitar. I quickly caressed his hand demanding his attention in this moment. My touch accomplished this goal and I asked him to join me and Amy after church.
I know what response I wanted, but a part of me knew things wouldn’t conclude the way I’d like. Unfortunately, he has another engagement. I decided not to pry further. You’re probably wondering why I would do such a thing.
Here’s why:
1. I don’t want to become the woman that has to chase a man. I strongly believe everything should be on an equal level. (Interest, attraction and compromise).
2. He’s a mini celebrity. He has women falling all over him on a routine basis. I don’t want to be tossed in with those other women. I am not afraid to express my interest but I refuse to let it become desperation.
3. He seemed oblivious to just what I was asking. He was preoccupied with too many things to realize that I was asking him out or he just wasn’t interested. (Although Amy told he did check me out when I had my head turned). I didn’t expect his life to stop because I wanted some of his time.
4. I’m trying to exercise patience and letting Jesus take the wheel of the situation.

A part of me wanted to go in for the kill, and just have him backed into a corner until he had no choice but to concede to my demands, but that’s too aggressive. Am I wrong for wanting the man to be the aggressor for a change?
After all that I didn’t feel chagrin or melancholy. I felt triumphant. I finally spoke to the guy I’ve had a crush on for months now. I don’t know what my next step will be but I know I’ll be taking them in strides, knowing that there isn’t anything I can’t do.
Please share your opinion and advice in the comment box and thank you for reading about an auspicious event in my life.

Here’s a article on why a woman should ask a guy out:

http://elitedaily.com/dating/motivate-ask-dude-on-date/1010222/
Okay Carlene, you can have your blog back.

Finding Peace Within, Before Finding The One

Over the past few posts I know the narrative has been filled with humor and drama. I wanted to use this post to insert some of my personal thoughts on what has been happening on the journey of navigating through singleness.

For starters, women tend to jump into finding a partner based on the pressures surrounding them (i.e. a majority of her friends are married or in a relationship). Also because she wants to be socially accepted and fit in with everyone else.

Over all I don’t think that there is anything wrong with wanting to find someone to help you navigate through this pre apocalyptic world. My question to you is what’s wrong with taking a little more time to make sure that you are ready and to know what it is you are looking for.

For a lot of women the final nail in the coffin is the fact that often times we act on impulse and emotion, almost, always seeking instant gratification. Nothing of substance was made over night, so why would a successful relationship?

I recently came across a post with instructions of simple exercises that can aide in fine tuning just what it is that you are actually looking for in a partner. I’m going to do these exercises myself to see if I have things figured out as well as I think I do.

Here’s the link:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stacia-pierce/how-to-attract-a-partner-in-7-easy-steps_b_4618737.html

We also need to be realistic as what to expect from men. We can’t imagine a perfect man with absolutely no flaws. I’d hate to break it to you, but once you do that you’re going to get disappointed and heart broken in relationship you have.

Men have their own group of pressured. Sometimes, we need to look at things with a different set of eyes.

In conclusion we are our own worst enemy when it comes to dating, and failing to prepare is to prepare to fail. I don’t know about you guys but I want success in all things that I do. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comment box below.

Happy hunting ladies.

Approaching a potential match in church: yikes!

Okay please reserve all your judgements until the end of this post and you’ve read the entire story. The female perplexed by this situation is going to be named Catalina for the rest of the post and the male mouthwatering specimen will be named Jason. If you guys don’t like the names, to bad. Now let’s proceed with the story shall we…

Once upon a time on a Friday night at a youth service, Catalina finally gets to see Jason the choir director up close. She has been to this church before on Sunday’s and Jason opens every service. This day in particular inspires her to take notice of him more so than before. She notices that he is genuinely handsome and exudes a charm and kindness that pulls her closer to him. He is different from all the others because of his confidence to sing about his love for the lord day in and day out with an infectious energy. In fact, Catalina’s new found faith was strengthened by the music Jason sings at every service. She decides that she wants to introduce herself to him and see where things go from there.

The first attempt: On the following Friday, Catalina’s nerves are everywhere. There are clear opportunities to make eye contact with Jason but she always looks away. At the end of the service Catalina plans an approach but Jason never leaves the instrumental pit. Catalina and her sidekick Amy (for the purpose of this blog) regroup and come up with an alternate plan. Catalina (being the stalker that she is) knows what exit Jason will come out of. Her and Amy walk up to the exit and wait for him there. By some unforeseen and unfortunate circumstance Jason does exit from the same door but walks in the opposite direction. Catalina is too frustrated to try and catch up with him.

The second attempt: On the first Friday of the month that this particular service is being held. Catalina shows up in a new outfit, heels and an eye catching hair style. She tries to make eye contact with him every chance she gets but he refuses to return any of her glances. Catalina doesn’t lose her cool and remains patient until the end of the service. Eventually he does leave the instrumental pit but is immediately swept away by a young girl that looks like a fan. Catalina decides to wait until Jason is done speaking to the girl because she wanted his complete attention. This finally happens but another person intervenes and takes his attention and him away. Catalina is beginning to read these incidents as a sign from God that maybe she shouldn’t pursue Jason any further. Amy and her other friends tell her she isn’t really making an effort. Here is where the indecisiveness stems from. First, this is a church for crying out loud. Catalina feels as if this breaks every church protocol there is to pick up a guy in church, no matter how great you think he is. Secondly, this is new territory for her. She has never had a crush on someone at church before and no advice given to her could possibly apply to a situation such as this.

Although, this situation seems unlikely to become successful, Catalina is determined to try one last time. She has a full SEVEN days before the next service. I turn her story to you my readers. Please take the time to vote on what she should do next in the poll below or if you have alternate suggestions, comment, advice etc. feel free to post them at the end of this blog.

I’ll be checking back throughout the week to see how the discussion is going. Remember SEVEN days and counting.

Welcome to the Maddness!!!!

I’ve spent almost my whole life in love with the written word. I began writing poetry about an unattainable crush. Then like a plant with strong roots the seed began to grow into a tree. Then I began writing short stories throughout a boring day of school or work. There are two things in life that I am passionate about writing and expressing positivity where ever I can.

Just like words, the verb LOVE has always made me curious. I did everything to learn more. I wanted to know what loving someone else felt like. Once I accomplished that I had to also learn the pitfalls. I will never quote myself as being an expert on the subject, but I definitely understand a lot more about it now. With that being said while I was brainstorming ideas of what kind of content I should discuss in my blog, the idea came to me the way the first image of a masterpiece comes to a painter.

I’m dedicating this blog to the experiences of being single in the city in search of the perfect guy or girl. Some of the topics will be from my experiences and some are not, In order to keep the people in my world anonymous. I will not be using factual names or places.

Here’s a nice twist. Some situations will be discussed as they are unfolding and it will be up to my readers to vote on what decision should be made. Also I’d like this experience to be interactive. Please post your own stories, ideas and opinions as well.

I’m looking forward to this fun experience and hearing your feedback.