A Few Loose Ends

human_apriltello__tying_up_loose_ends_by_sillycookiesonic123-d6ves13

 

***It has been some time since I last updated my blog about the single life in the city. Let’s dive right in and catch you up on what you’ve missed.***


The Catalina and Jason story has finally concluded and spoiler he didn’t turn out to be her Prince Charming as she thought he would. If you need a recap, here’s the link to a previous blog about the two.
There was one line in particular I’d like to go back to. It went something like this ” Some people spend their entire life chasing something that was never meant for them to have. At times, while you’re chasing the wrong thing you may miss the thing that’s right for you.” I was compelled to requite those words because they ring even prominently now in her story.

Still With Me, So far?

Catalina was so taken with Jason when they first met. She was willing to go out her comfort zone to try to make an intimate connection with him. Jason on the other hand seemed to want the opposite. He was extremely stand offish and seemed uninterested. Catalina had the will of a bull, she refused to let things go. She kept scheming and planning ways to start conversation with Jason. Things she could ask to get him to go out with her. All in all nothing worked. For some time things seemed to be at a stand still. They saw each other so infrequently, that any progress she did make was erased.

 Then a transition began to happen. She decided to trust in God and allow him to provide her with the answers. What else could be credited for all the obstacles that she seemed to face, just to tell Jason how much she liked him? There were times when he didn’t show up for service at all, or he would be so busy that she would in her attempts to get him alone. There were a few times she waited outside and he either went the wrong way or she lost her nerve to say anything. The list goes on and on.

Here’s The Kicker…


Catalina prayed and prayed about a solution for her man trouble. She was confident in her belief that what is meant for you, will be for you. It doesn’t matter the amount of time that you’ll have to wait for it.


Eventually, the answer did come. On a typical Sunday morning, in the middle of service Jason walked across the stage to announce that he would be leaving the church to move on to other opportunities. Catalina was a bit dazed and didn’t hear the entire speech fully. There was no denying it any longer, God had answered her with a big fat NO. His sign was irrefutable, Jason was not meant for Catalina so God took him away. He took away all her doubt and confusion.

The reality was absolutely a hard truth to accept. I imagine it to be like trying to swallow a mouthful of sand. Catalina showed her strength and let go of Jason. She had intended to say goodbye, but never got the chance to.

It ate away at her to know all the unspoken words, those phrases and sentences would never be expressed to Jason. After all, you can’t take back words that were never said. She was tempted to question the will of God. Why would he deny her someone who seemed right for her on paper that is. She felt an attraction that she couldn’t ignore. He was mysterious and seemed to be different from anyone else she’d met. Then why couldn’t Jason be hers?

Let’s Be Real For A Moment…..

How else could this have really gone. I’m not trying to be insensitive, but beside the physical attraction (solely on Catalina’s part) what was there to build on. I say absolutely nothing. Here’s my break down of why they weren’t right for each other.

1. They come from different worlds…

 Jason is a model third generation Christian. His father is a Pastor of his own church as well as a prominent gospel artist. Jason grew up in church and was bred for the life of a Pastor’s son.

Catalina doesn’t come from strong roots like that. She grew up in church for a while and had no Christian influence in the home outside of a few prayers and conversations about God here and there. She made the choice to develop a deeper relationship with him recently, while Jason was already firm and steadfast in his relationship with God.

2.There level of fellowship differed…..

Jason attended every church service and event, after all he led the choir. Jason is the poster boy for all things musical. He was always in demand and took every opportunity to produce gospel music. Catalina attended most services and rarely went to events. She believes in having a balance with faith and her social life, while Jason seems to be all about church. She doesn’t know what musical note is, let alone carry a tune. It sounds like she may be tone-deaf.

3. He might just be Gay….

A majority of the people who read their story arrived to the same conclusion, that he may not like women at all. In this world and present time anything is possible. He could be hiding it because he knows the Christian world won’t be accepting of it. I wouldn’t want to invest my time and energy into someone who prefers a man’s company to mine.

I guess the lesson here is never to chase a guy, because you never know the reason why he’s running. Here’s an article title “10 Valid Reasons Why You Should Never Chase A man”.


Thank you for reading and please feel free to drop a comment or two below.
Advertisements

No Pressure

Come take a walk with me.

Darling, take my hand as we

walk along the beach.

 

Listen to the waves of the rolling sea.

They are unsettled like me.

With each foot print I think

I’m beginning to lose my nerve.

 

Look at the glimmering sun.

It’s beauty pales, when compared

to you.

 

Oh, how do I put this into words?

Would you be hurt if I was to go away?

Do you really want me to stay?

 

How could you say

“If you leave, then don’t come back.”

 

I think it’s beginning to rain.

I watch each droplet get lost in your hair.

Remind me again, what were we fighting about?

 

Your laughter is the most beautiful

sound I’ve ever heard.

Come dance in this down pour

with me.

 

I’ve missed days like this.

Yes, even with the fighting.

Shall we continue our walk?

 

I take my beloved by the hand

and we twirl around and around

once last time in the fading rain.

 

The wind comes alive

and usher’s us closer.

I now have no doubt in

what I should do.

 

I release my hold of your waist.

I take hold of your hand, as I

take a bended knee.

 

This may come as a surprise to you,

but I’ve actually planned everything that

happened today.

Oh, except the rain.

 

I pull my hands from my pocket

to expose what I’ve been hiding.

I have but one more question…

 

“Will You Marry Me?” I shout loudly.

I had to throw you off somehow

and by the look on your face, I must’ve.

 

Don’t Settle

I chose “Don’t Settle” as the theme for this blog. I’ve recently been introuduced to Jefferson Bethke, a video blogger on YouTube. He has a video diary on the topic of dating. I listened to the one titled  “Don’t Settle” I think we are all guilty of doing this at some point in our life in various relationships. The over all message is to trust in God’s plan for you. There is the right person out there for you, although they’ll never be perfect. The thing I struggle with most is patience. Mentally I am willing to wait for that person to enter my life, but my heart is impatient.
I believe that there is something better waiting for you,  if it didn’t work out in that past relationship. I’ve struggled through some of these feelings. I had to find the bigger picture that no matter how much I wanted it to work, I was only responsible for 50% of the effort to make the relationship work. Then the remainder was up to my partner. In the mist of the chaos I couldn’t wrap my head around it, that there is always the potential of things not being equal in a relationship.
I had to go through a lot of self healing to find hope again. That’s the reason I took a liking to Jefferson’s video blog. He’s all about the bigger picture and his words inspire new hope. Hope and faith are sometimes the strongest emotions of motivation. It is irrelvant as to how you have come to find these things, just be sure to hold on to them as you go through your journey in life.
Without hope and faith, I’m certain that I would’ve ended up in a very dark place. Perhaps, I would’ve become so volitale that eventually I would’ve chased everyone out of my life. I felt the embers of my love slowly being snuffed out each time that I let anger and frustration win. By the good grace of God, I found another way. A way that eventually taught me how to love myself although, I was broken.
I have decided not to settle and run  from the potential of something being amazing just becuase it’s difficult. I’m sure that it was difficult for Jesus to die on the cross for everyone else’s sin.

I have added the video below for you to view. Please share your thoughts and opinion.

The Thing That Began All This: You Vile Creature

I’ve recently read so many relationship stories of women faced with a lot of the problems I’ve had in the past. Reading their stories has made me brave enough to share mine.
Here goes…
I fell in love at a young age, and when I say love I mean it. This person was my whole world. He occupied 98% of my brain. The near proximity of him would send my body into frenzy. A gesture as simple as his hand on my thigh made my insides writhe the way Anastasia Steel’s did at Christian Grey’s touch. I thought I found what I was searching for all my life, naively believing that the search had finally ended.
Although he made me come alive for the first time in my life and slowly helped me to break out of my shy shell. He was still very much rough around the edges, but it was a roughness I tasked myself to smooth out. So what if he’s not romantic, I thought. In the beginning he really did try a memory of him bringing me balloons and a teddy bear in the middle of a snow storm for my birthday flashes to mind.
So when he messed up and began breaking my fragile heart, I thought back to moments like that to remind myself of the potential he had to be the best man I’d come to know. Even though I wanted him to be the right guy and I continued to unearth his potential, the fact that we were complete opposites was too evident.
He was emotional at times and I’m always stoic. Saying I love you for the first time was the most horrifying and courageous thing I’d done. Yes and the most important difference, he was enough for me but I wasn’t for him. One day he decided to end the picture perfect world I’d created in my head. I found out how he really felt and all of my suspicions were confirmed. There really was no such thing as making it work with the wrong guy.
Of course being wrong isn’t something I’d like to admit, in fact being wrong didn’t seem like a part of my personality until that day. I spiraled into darkness of course. I hated myself for loving someone that turned out to be so vile. I wanted to hate him for hurting me and stripping away the last piece of innocence I had left. I was lost and I felt like I was falling into an endless pit with nothing to grab a hold of.
Fast forward a bit…
We are still in each other’s lives in some ways. I have accepted who he is and now I know who I am but that still doesn’t erase the genuine love that lives inside me. I have spent more than half my adulthood nurturing it and in an instant I had to figure out how to assassinate it. The journey hasn’t been easy and sometimes I still get confused, but I do know that it is over between us.
Although sometimes we dance around each other and pretend things could ever be the same. The simple truth is we are no longer the same people. I had to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart alone. I had to live with the transition of him being the most important person in my life to being able to cope with the absence of him in my life.
I have found strength and love in God and I spent the time since our break-up growing and maturing into a single woman. From my perspective he hasn’t changed much. He still lets his emotions dictate his actions.
Now when I look at him I ask myself what I ever saw in him. If he touches me I feel repulsed because I know I deserve better. I’m actually very happy if I don’t hear from him for long periods of time.
I’d like to share what I’ve learned. You must put God first in all things in order to ensure its success. You must love yourself above anyone else because others will leave your life at some point and you’re stuck with yourself. Forgiveness is a vital aspect in growing and healing. Lastly, always remember LOVE because there is already plenty of hate in the world.

The New Age Marco Polo Chase

As the weeks have progressed, Catalina’s life resembles a character from Jane Austen’s “Persuasion.” For those of you unfamiliar with the novel, it is a story about a couple that just can’t seem to overcome circumstance and the frailty of the human mind to honor the real feelings of their hearts. You can read the full summary here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Persuasion_%28novel%29

like the character Anne, Catalina has been waiting to be with Jason but things just keep getting between them.
Let’s Recap.
In the beginning, when Catalina had numerous opportunities to say something to Jason she let them slip away because of her insecurities. Then when she found the strength and will to actively pursue something that her heart desired, unforeseen circumstances kept hitting her with road blocks. Yes, this was very frustrating and somewhat a deterrent, but just like Anne who never stopped hoping Catalina still believed that her moment would come.
After the three week Hiatus.
Catalina reaffirmed to herself that she would not allow this opportunity to pass her by again. Although, Jason is a stranger to her he possess something that is very desirable. It could be his physical appearance, the tremendous positive energy emanating from him or his zest for life. After all, the only true failure is to never really try at all. Once again she found herself at church ready to speak to Jason and see just where the possibilities would lead.
You’ll never guess what happened this time.
Once again he wasn’t there. Go figure, right. Catalina is a religious person and believes in signs. There are many ways to interpret this incident. One: There is a major spiritual reason as to why she just can’t seem to get her way. Two: Like “Persuasion” sometimes love doesn’t work out the way you expect or within the timeline you want it to. Third: Simply, Catalina and Jason come from two different worlds and it’s near to impossible for either to cross over.
We are at a crossroads again, and Catalina has to wait for the right opportunity or chose to move on. I’d love to hear your take on this. Also there’s a new poll up.
Can’t wait to read your comments.