Chimera

I’ve grown tired of pretending,

that I don’t love you.

Everytime I see you,

I just want to wrap my arms around you.

 

When I look into your eyes,

my lips wish to confess,

but something always prevents them.

 

It’s only a smile,

but my heart burns like a wild fire.

Oh, how I wish I could tell you that

somehow, I’ve grown to love you.

 

I want to be close to you,

a feeling I wasn’t expecting.

I must find a way to show you

that you and I are destined.

 

your eyes seem like glass,

and I am always looking back

at my own reflection.

 

This pain in my heart,

only seems to be getting worse.

I need you to relieve me.

 

Until then,

I’ll keep everything locked away

for the day when you’ll

be ready to listen.

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Dreams: What Does Yours Mean?

Dreams are interpretations of the sub-conscious and conscious regions of your mind. There are many theories to analyzing dreams. Dreams are vital to working through frustration and emotions that you can’t seem to face in a waking state. Essentially, dreams are vital to a human beings health.

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I like to recall the details of my dream as soon as I wake, inorder to retain the most details possible. Also it is important to acknowldege the emotional feel of the dream. Now, I’m going to start writing them down to keep the memory of what happened even fresher in my mind. Who knows what I can uncover and learn about myself. When I have the key details, I look up the meaning to gain a better understanding of what my dream was really about. For example, driving a car has a deeper meaning than what you know on the surface. It is usually a symbol of who you feel is in control of your life.

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In all, this could be a way for the subconscious part of your mind to bring dormant issues, solutions, emotions, etc; to the surface. Some beleive dreams are a window to a past life or event that you were once a part of. There are some scientific studies that show some evidence to the claim. Whatever you may believe there is no disputing that there is some significance to a dream, even if you can’t remember it.

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Where Am I Getting At?

I keep seeing a particular person show up in my dreams, and I’m trying to make some sense of it. This isn’t someone I know very well or spend a lot of my day thinking about, but somehow he appears in a dream or two, every now and then. I assume this is my sub-conscious projecting the deep rooted emotion attributed to this person. Pretty much expressing all the things I can’t seem to say in person.

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Here’s The Twist

You’ve probably reached the conclusion that it’s probably “Wet Dreams” that I’m having. Nope, the kicker is we are always in perfectly normal situations and I don’t try to express any of my romantic feelings to him. How annoying is it, not even your fantasy will give you what you want.

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Seems Hopless Right?

It’s perfectly normal to have dreams such as this. It is actually a bit theraputic to act out your inner desires on some level. Now when I see him, I won’t be so wound up.

here’s a link to some more information on dreams, and a dictionary of what the symbols could possibly mean. Hope this is some help to you.

http://www.dreamsleep.net/meanings/analyse-dreams.html

I’ll Go

I want you to stay a little longer this time,
so that I can say goodbye properly.
I can see that our hearts are traveling in opossing directions.


I still want to embrace you one last time,
so that I can inhale the sweet aroma of your sweater.
My love where are you,
don’t desert me now.


No one will win the fight this time,
because neither of us can find meaning in the other.
Say something to convince me not to give up on us.


I hear the answer in your silence this time,
although, I needed you to stay.
I think I’m finally ready to surrender to our enevitable fate.


I don’t feel like crying this time,
because the anger has finally left my soul.
I can finally see a tomorrow around the bend without you.


I take your hand one last time,
to be sure that you no longer have a shadow
roaming throughout the corners of my heart.
A new thought has taken it’s place.


I won’t be the one to call this time,
because there isn’t anything left to say,
other than goodbye.

Scoring A Date The Unconventinal Way: Did Someone Say Online Dating?

Hello world!!!!. I feel extremely quirky right now must be the new pumkin spice coffee I tried this morning. I have a great story for you on online dating. Now we all have some reservatons about making a connection online. Most of the time we assume we’re going to find tons of frogs only seeking booty calls. In some cases that is a possibility, but what if there is a male counter part also seeking something meaningful?


Everyone say hello to Amanda. Amanda has done the conventional ways of finding a date, which range from giving a guy her number at a party, a cute stranger on the street stopping to give her a compliment, and starting a romance at work or school. Long story short, all these beginnings didn’t pan out to lead her any closer to the fairy tale of finding the one.

One day Amanada decided to create a online profile on Match.com and threw her fishing pole into a entirely new pond. Now, suddenly the possibilities seemed endless and after a few chats and profile views she settled on a prospect she thought suited her the best. She began to like “Jared’s” personality and decided to meet.

The feeling was mutual and they planned a date. Sadly, the picture didn’t match the man. He wasn’t as visually appetizing, but the date continued. After advice from her friends, she decided to keep at it. Perhaps, there would be a spark…….


Unfortunately someone forgot to light the fuse on the spark and things fizzled shortly. Not the happy ending you thought it would be right? That’s okay and completely normal. Amanda just hasn’t found the right guy yet, but she is fairing pretty good in my opinion.

There were some lessons learned. The most important was the fact that she didn’t judge him based on his appearance. Although, some things prompted her to close the book before turning to the next chapter; she still gave him a second chance. Gee, this sounds like some advice I posted in a previous post.

She is definitely putting herself out there in letting the world know that she is SINGLE and LOOKING.

There is an actual study of just how well women and men fair when it comes to online dating. You may discover some pointers on what you’re doing incorrectly on your profile. check out the link here:

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/online-dating-tips-advice/is-online-dating-different-for-men-and-women/


Feel free to drop your thoughts in the comments box below and participate in the new poll. I know you must’ve missed it.

“Surrender” ~ A Random Emotion

I look out, and watch as the moonlight dances across the night sky.
It is here in this moment that I think of you.
I recall your dark piercing eyes and how they glimmered like stars.
Then for a moment they were shinning on me,
and I felt the earth move beneath my feet.

That night you sparked something inside of me,
that I was certain had been lost long ago.
The eagerness to be close to you sprouted, and grew, and grew,
until I could no longer contain it.
I had to say Hello.

I felt my lips quiver as I said the words, while searching your eyes.
I found reticence and vulnerability hiding behind them.
I touched your hand as I remembered the robust moon
lighting my way in the darkness.

I could see that you weren’t ready,
to embrace me with open arms.
I let my hands fall from its hold on you,
unsure if I would truly let go.

My hello had turned into goodbye.

I wanted to forget everything that you had awakened within me,
but seeing the moon always reminded me of the light
that you’ve brought into my life.
How could I turn away from you,
When you have brought meaning to my dark sky.

I’m sure the moon once had to teach the stars,
how to shine.
I’ll show you the same.
The only remaining choice is to wait
until you’re ready to surrender.

We All Need Second Chances: Maybe It’s You

I believe that it’s important for you to be the best version of yourself in order to know what it is you’re looking for, because of that I have been listening to other point of views regarding women and dating. I am confident that I have come pretty far with my personal evolution, but I’m sure there are some flaws in myself that I just don’t see. Recently, I came across another helpful relationship video that explains the common things women tend to do wrong. So if you’re constantly going through guys and dates that lead to nowhereville, there is the possibility that it’s you. This was a bit of a eye opener for me because I tend to do these things myself. I have decided to try and follow these steps the next time I ask someone out, and I already have someone in mind. Here are a summary of the most crucial parts.

1: Throw out the one strike rule:

According to the dating expert, in order for a woman to be open minded, you must give at least second and third chances before putting up the wall towards a potential match. I agree to a degree. We are all humanly flawed and  sometimes it takes  more than one attempt to get things right. Think of the hardest test you took in your life, and how studying and attempts it took you to get out on top.  Next it is the possibility that the social blunders are attributed to nervousness. It isn’t easy to express yourself when your heart is pounding as loud as a drum. Think of all the times you were interacting with someone you really liked. Are you going to pretend that there were no social blunders and butterflies because of it?

2: Don’t be subtle:

I am absolutely guilty of this at times. A hint isn’t good enough anymore and a smile doesn’t make your intentions clear either. Uggh. I’m getting exhausted and I’ve only reached number 2. Men need things spelled out for them the way a toddler does. Along with the smile, you need to incorporate touch and be more direct in your questions and answers. It doesn’t sound hard until you have to actually do this to suit your specific situation. Don’t forget to make it fun. It’s never easy to go outside of your comfort zone and risk your feelings not being reciprocated. We all have our fears about this, it we didn’t then we wouldn’t be human. The question you need to ask yourself is simply, isn’t this person worth the risk. After all the outcome could be the most meaningful relationship you’ve ever had. I would just keep things in perspective and be mindful that sometimes men need a little push.

3: Commit a day out of your week to being social:

For the modern day independent woman, you might be thinking that you don’t have any spare time to commit to this. Guess what, it just as simple as walking outside. There are single men everywhere, you just have to pay attention. There is a Huffington post article that lists 101 places to actually meet single men. I highly suggest skimming this list because you’d be surprised to see just where they are hiding in plain sight.

Here’s the link:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/francesca-hogi/99-overlooked-places-to-m_b_8350986.html

4: Be truly open to all possibilities:

It’s ok to ask for help sometimes. The more you open your social circle the higher the probability of finding a great guy. Put it out there that you are single and looking. Recruit your friends and family members to find more potantial people to hit if off with. Also don’t let your own expectations and delusions hinder you from giving a unconventional person a chance. We are all guilty of this even me. Now I find myself begging the question “What if I missed out on something great?”

I know this sounds like a lot of work to just get noticed by the right guy, but hiding yourself away isn’t going to make him appear any sooner. I suggest that just work on it day by day, and who knows what possibilities will end up coming your way.

 

Don’t Settle

I chose “Don’t Settle” as the theme for this blog. I’ve recently been introuduced to Jefferson Bethke, a video blogger on YouTube. He has a video diary on the topic of dating. I listened to the one titled  “Don’t Settle” I think we are all guilty of doing this at some point in our life in various relationships. The over all message is to trust in God’s plan for you. There is the right person out there for you, although they’ll never be perfect. The thing I struggle with most is patience. Mentally I am willing to wait for that person to enter my life, but my heart is impatient.
I believe that there is something better waiting for you,  if it didn’t work out in that past relationship. I’ve struggled through some of these feelings. I had to find the bigger picture that no matter how much I wanted it to work, I was only responsible for 50% of the effort to make the relationship work. Then the remainder was up to my partner. In the mist of the chaos I couldn’t wrap my head around it, that there is always the potential of things not being equal in a relationship.
I had to go through a lot of self healing to find hope again. That’s the reason I took a liking to Jefferson’s video blog. He’s all about the bigger picture and his words inspire new hope. Hope and faith are sometimes the strongest emotions of motivation. It is irrelvant as to how you have come to find these things, just be sure to hold on to them as you go through your journey in life.
Without hope and faith, I’m certain that I would’ve ended up in a very dark place. Perhaps, I would’ve become so volitale that eventually I would’ve chased everyone out of my life. I felt the embers of my love slowly being snuffed out each time that I let anger and frustration win. By the good grace of God, I found another way. A way that eventually taught me how to love myself although, I was broken.
I have decided not to settle and run  from the potential of something being amazing just becuase it’s difficult. I’m sure that it was difficult for Jesus to die on the cross for everyone else’s sin.

I have added the video below for you to view. Please share your thoughts and opinion.

The Thing That Began All This: You Vile Creature

I’ve recently read so many relationship stories of women faced with a lot of the problems I’ve had in the past. Reading their stories has made me brave enough to share mine.
Here goes…
I fell in love at a young age, and when I say love I mean it. This person was my whole world. He occupied 98% of my brain. The near proximity of him would send my body into frenzy. A gesture as simple as his hand on my thigh made my insides writhe the way Anastasia Steel’s did at Christian Grey’s touch. I thought I found what I was searching for all my life, naively believing that the search had finally ended.
Although he made me come alive for the first time in my life and slowly helped me to break out of my shy shell. He was still very much rough around the edges, but it was a roughness I tasked myself to smooth out. So what if he’s not romantic, I thought. In the beginning he really did try a memory of him bringing me balloons and a teddy bear in the middle of a snow storm for my birthday flashes to mind.
So when he messed up and began breaking my fragile heart, I thought back to moments like that to remind myself of the potential he had to be the best man I’d come to know. Even though I wanted him to be the right guy and I continued to unearth his potential, the fact that we were complete opposites was too evident.
He was emotional at times and I’m always stoic. Saying I love you for the first time was the most horrifying and courageous thing I’d done. Yes and the most important difference, he was enough for me but I wasn’t for him. One day he decided to end the picture perfect world I’d created in my head. I found out how he really felt and all of my suspicions were confirmed. There really was no such thing as making it work with the wrong guy.
Of course being wrong isn’t something I’d like to admit, in fact being wrong didn’t seem like a part of my personality until that day. I spiraled into darkness of course. I hated myself for loving someone that turned out to be so vile. I wanted to hate him for hurting me and stripping away the last piece of innocence I had left. I was lost and I felt like I was falling into an endless pit with nothing to grab a hold of.
Fast forward a bit…
We are still in each other’s lives in some ways. I have accepted who he is and now I know who I am but that still doesn’t erase the genuine love that lives inside me. I have spent more than half my adulthood nurturing it and in an instant I had to figure out how to assassinate it. The journey hasn’t been easy and sometimes I still get confused, but I do know that it is over between us.
Although sometimes we dance around each other and pretend things could ever be the same. The simple truth is we are no longer the same people. I had to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart alone. I had to live with the transition of him being the most important person in my life to being able to cope with the absence of him in my life.
I have found strength and love in God and I spent the time since our break-up growing and maturing into a single woman. From my perspective he hasn’t changed much. He still lets his emotions dictate his actions.
Now when I look at him I ask myself what I ever saw in him. If he touches me I feel repulsed because I know I deserve better. I’m actually very happy if I don’t hear from him for long periods of time.
I’d like to share what I’ve learned. You must put God first in all things in order to ensure its success. You must love yourself above anyone else because others will leave your life at some point and you’re stuck with yourself. Forgiveness is a vital aspect in growing and healing. Lastly, always remember LOVE because there is already plenty of hate in the world.

Maybe He’s Just Not That Into You?

Disclaimer: told in first person perspective. Catalina high jacked my blog.
I’d like to take you through the day leading up to the climax of my evening. I got dressed for work like any other day. I put on my dress and realized right away that I was going to definitely get noticed today. I ignored the nagging thoughts about my choice of wardrobe. Yes perhaps I may have gone too far this time. Oh well too late to change my mind.
I say a prayer and start my day at work anticipating what I had planned for later in the evening. I told myself this would be the day that Jason knows that I exist. Waiting definitely isn’t my strong suit. I take the slow scenic route to church after work and still ended up there early.
All day the prospect has been in the farthest region of my mind and I didn’t dare coax it out of hiding because I knew the frenzy that would follow. I remained calm and assertive. Something about today made the worry cease for a while anyway.
Then we begin to enter the church and with each step my heart begins to speed up. I must admit the adrenaline excited me and made me feel alive. I was looking forward to something for the first time in a long time. I took a deep breath as me and Amy found our seats near the instrumental pit like we’ve done on so many occasions.
Now that our seats were secure, I began to visually search for Jason. I saw a glimpse of him enter the back and then he takes a moment too long to reemerge. With my impatience building I decide to seek him out. I decided to walk pass the doors to see if he is standing there. I walked past but the doors are locked.
I exhaled as I felt my frustration begin its attack on me. “I guess this will be another missed opportunity,” I think to myself as I turn around to walk back to my seat.
Then in a moment almost like a dream, Jason walked past me. Before I could get my bearings together he looked at me and said hello first. I answer back quickly, thankfully able to think fast on my feet.
He looks immersed in his thoughts as he continues to walk past me holding his guitar. I quickly caressed his hand demanding his attention in this moment. My touch accomplished this goal and I asked him to join me and Amy after church.
I know what response I wanted, but a part of me knew things wouldn’t conclude the way I’d like. Unfortunately, he has another engagement. I decided not to pry further. You’re probably wondering why I would do such a thing.
Here’s why:
1. I don’t want to become the woman that has to chase a man. I strongly believe everything should be on an equal level. (Interest, attraction and compromise).
2. He’s a mini celebrity. He has women falling all over him on a routine basis. I don’t want to be tossed in with those other women. I am not afraid to express my interest but I refuse to let it become desperation.
3. He seemed oblivious to just what I was asking. He was preoccupied with too many things to realize that I was asking him out or he just wasn’t interested. (Although Amy told he did check me out when I had my head turned). I didn’t expect his life to stop because I wanted some of his time.
4. I’m trying to exercise patience and letting Jesus take the wheel of the situation.

A part of me wanted to go in for the kill, and just have him backed into a corner until he had no choice but to concede to my demands, but that’s too aggressive. Am I wrong for wanting the man to be the aggressor for a change?
After all that I didn’t feel chagrin or melancholy. I felt triumphant. I finally spoke to the guy I’ve had a crush on for months now. I don’t know what my next step will be but I know I’ll be taking them in strides, knowing that there isn’t anything I can’t do.
Please share your opinion and advice in the comment box and thank you for reading about an auspicious event in my life.

Here’s a article on why a woman should ask a guy out:

http://elitedaily.com/dating/motivate-ask-dude-on-date/1010222/
Okay Carlene, you can have your blog back.